Onion You Glad I Didn’t Say Onion?

[obligatory comment about how I don’t update this enough]

While searching through boxes and binders and folders and sketchbooks for a certain drawing I was thinking of using, I stumbled upon this (among many other things that should, actually, see the light of day).  This, is an alternating panel one-pager me and my ex-boyfriend did while sitting at a coffee shop.  And even now, I think it’s pretty funny.
(if you don’t know which panels are mine, just look for the signature wide-eyed anthropomorphized thing at the end)

alternating1

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Two Hours, Forty-Seven Minutes

**timeline break**

It’s just another day up here. No one seems to care.  Just another reminder that I’m an Other (more on that later). Seriously, how can you not care about something that is humbling and awe-inspiring? Do you stand at the ocean’s edge and go, “eh. just a big bowla watta.”  Do you not Science?  Do you not think about the relative rarity and what effects something like this will have on light, on wildlife and nature, on weather?  I get it, on social media, it’s overwhelming and overdone, but goddamn.  Take a couple hours and appreciate the enormity of two enormous celestial bodies moving around us, something bigger than all of us.

I’ve procured glasses (thanks to a kind friend back in KS), and convinced my new friends K & D to come watch with me.  Somewhere else, somewhere outside of the place we work, so we don’t have to hear constant radio chatter, requests for toilet paper, propane tanks, moving reservations from one site to another.  Two and a half hours.  Just two and a half friggin’ hours of maybe being in wonder of the world rather than annoyed, angry, frustrated, sad, justifiably pissed off (are you paying attention? yes, I see you).  We can, and should, go back to that later.  So please don’t poo-poo anyone who is excited about this.  I understand.  I do.  I haven’t forgotten.  Everything is still there. 

It’s just smaller. 

For two hours, forty-seven minutes.

Lower Dells 1

Glaciers did that.  BOR-ING.

 

Chicago, James Beard, & Decisions | Pt. 2, The Reckoning

So, last we left off, I was leaving the lakefront and went to go check out the kitchen and pantry, get an idea of the layout so I could prepare my menu in the time alotted.  The tasting was supposed to be two dishes in-line with their fusion concept and two of my own choosing.  Here’s where I’m going to gloss over some bits n’ pieces, because I can’t (read: don’t feel I should) talk about the name of the restaurant, the concept, or even the location.  I guess that sort of sucks, since I would like to be as open and honest as possible, but I’m also not stupid and I like the people I interviewed with.

I met with the Sous Chef, who went through the program a few years prior, and she gave me a tour, told me to let her know if there was anything she needed to get for me.  So, I’m a white girl, from Kansas.  Yes, I’ve lived in other big cities, have been to countries that are not just in Europe, but I’m still a white girl.  It’s neither here nor there.  It just is.  And even though I love spices, love cuisines from all over the world, it’s not exactly what I grew up with.  So, the establishment was a little outside my wheelhouse, but after the tour, I felt fairly confident, get me?  Still a bundle of nerves, but just less so…because of what I saw, ya dig.

I’m going to tell you right now, that this wasn’t my first choice for the restaurants I applied for.  They know that.  It’s the honest truth.  My goals are not fine dining.  My goals are more elevated comfort food.  When I applied, I first chose from restaurants that were within a day’s drive (in case a family emergency, or a health issue came up).  So, I went with Chicago and Louisville.  I chose to move forward with this one because, who the hell says no to this opportunity, and I appreciated, very much, the candor and drive of the owner.  I respect and admire what she has started, not just with her restaurants.  That’s also the honest truth.

I went back to the hostel and went to the bar to write everything out and plan.  I was supposed to spend the train ride up there planning all of this out, but honestly, I work better under pressure and I’d rather just work with what is available.  With the exception of some black beans, potatoes, carrots, peas.  I  used only what was in the fairly limited pantry/walk-ins.

So, when it came time to do my menu the next day, it went fine.  It went better than I hoped in some areas, worse in others.  I got flustered with the one recipe that I KNOW I could have nailed otherwise (veggie curry mini empanadas), and did well on the one dish that I’ve only made once before (seared scallops. I made them at home once just to try it).  I made things up, I improvised.  I simply FORGOT to roast off the chickpeas for the salad and found some puffed chickpeas, so I spiced them up and used them.  I made a radish slaw, because I was obsessed with radishes at the moment.  I didn’t know where it was going to go, I just wanted it.  Turns out, it balanced nicely over the scallops, with wilted spinach and toasted nuts for texture.  She said it was the best of my dishes.  Frankly, I didn’t spice everything enough, which was a blow for me.  I LOVE spices.  Love them.  I am currently sitting in Wisconsin (more on that later) and the one kitchen item I brought too much of, spices.  Like, an entire cabinet’s worth.  And then I ordered more when I got here.  (I have a “problem”.)  BUT, not having a clear picture of what was going on in that pantry, how they work as opposed to how I’ve been trained/how I work, I guess I fumbled.  I’m still kicking myself for that.  So, mental note, if I do this again, BRING YOUR SPICES.  I need Linda Belcher’s “Spice Rack”.

So, the feedback was good.  Honest.  I knew I’d messed up on some things.  All in all, having been taken completely out of my comfort zone, only a year and some change into culinary school, I feel it went well.  I was taken to the back office where we had another honest conversation that involved taking over the entire kitchen, 12-14 hour days, having to move and find an apartment in two weeks, if not less, the opportunity to travel to NYC every so often to cross-train, my health issues, my concerns, my fence-sitting, It was between me and two other candidates, but I got the feeling I was in the running.  I was still 50/50, could not tip the scale in either direction.  I was hoping she would decide for me, but she laid it at my feet.  Told me I need to get to 100% and then let her know.  I said I would spend the train ride back only thinking about this and let her know by the end of the day after I got back.  She seemed to guess, because I was not already at 100%, that the answer might be no, and she let me know again, how charming I was, how great my essay was, that this was not the end of our connection, even if I decided not to proceed.  All the issues I saw in that place aside, the person in front of me was authentic and caring and had I not had such a hard time with my health, I probably would have thrown roadblocks aside and said yes right there.

In the end, I could not work it out, could not get close to 100% and appreciate her putting it on me.  It was my decision and I feel like it was the right one, even if it was going to be me and I just turned down a James Beard mentorship.   I tried not to talk about what happened to many people because I TURNED DOWN A JAMES BEARD MENTORSHIP. But physically, it would have made me miserable, and I was never 100% with the concept and direction my life might have taken.  My heart was not in that particular location and it wouldn’t have been fair to either of us.  I knew then, just like when I turned down that PA job in L.A., that this was one of those moments, those moments where your life breaks off and in an alternate world, you take that other path.  There’s another Jill out there, crying in a studio apartment in Chicago because she’s so tired and worn down and in pain and is only looking forward to New York.

So yeah.  Maybe I got it.  Maybe I didn’t.  But it was my choice and I feel better about not taking it than if I had.  I’m just ignoring the James Beard-ness of it, the 16 year old me that screams, YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE IN NYC.  Because when I got home and made that decision, I knew something had to change.  I thought it was Chicago.  I thought, “ok, here’s my out, my life-shift.”  But that wasn’t it.  For years now, I’ve been wanting to do workamping.  It’s where you travel around, usually in your own camper/RV and do seasonal work in campgrounds, parks, etc.  Just for shits n’ giggles, I checked the job postings, even though we were nearly halfway through the usual season.  I saw one in Wisconsin, in the Dells to be exact.  I briefly lived in Racine, WI for a few months, and even though it was the dead of Winter, I still loved it.  I knew it was beautiful up there, so I said, “eh, why not” and applied.  I figured I could feel it out and decline if it seemed like it wasn’t going to work.

Well, it worked. After that, everything kind of fell into place and here I am, over a month into my first workamping gig (one of the only ones I’ve seen with housing provided, for a small fee).  I work in the office, in housekeeping, and most importantly, the kitchen.  I cook breakfast on the weekends, I close up on Sundays and fry, fry, fry all of the things.    It’s not glamorous.  It’s basic bar food and I’m pretty sure I’ve done my dishwashing hours for school (which I’ll need to deal with when I get back, since TECHNICALLY, I’m not supposed to have left).  But, we’ve worked that out too.  Jill just needed a break, to decide what she really wants to do, and if she’s physically capable of doing it.  It’s been difficult, I won’t lie.  The back brace is getting lots of use and there’s much floor laying and adjusting and yelping.  But I also found a hard foam roller that someone left in a cabin (! I know.), so that’s been helpful too (I have an appointment scheduled for when I get back).  I just have a problem staying in the same place for too long and thank god my parents seem to understand this by now.  They don’t like it and I feel guilty.  But there it is.

So yeah, next up….WisCANsin updates and realizations…

 

Chicago, James Beard, & Decisions | Pt. 1

So much has happened since I last posted a proper update, but I’ll spare you the hum-drummery, the “catching up” minutiae of the past few months, year(s)?  Because I have a feeling this is gonna be long:


It’s true, I (was) still in Kansas.  Halfway through culinary school at Johnson County Community College even.  I do love my job/apprenticeship that lets me make good food with fun people.  My new love, my “second career”, my artistic switch to a different medium.  But if you know me, you know I’ve never been able to stay in one place very long.  I get bored easily, I suppose, or try and outrun my brain.  So I started looking for opportunities.  I had this dream of rooting down in my home state, of opening a small restaurant, which then became a food truck, then a small market/deli, but I just don’t know if that’s who I am…who I’ve ever been, and maybe it’s just time to stop fighting it.

I’ve been doing well in school.  I feel at home in a kitchen.  But I’d be lying if the male-dominated bullshit that I’ve been scrawling about in my small notebook hasn’t pissed me off enough that I started seeking outlets.  I found a program through the James Beard Foundation, “Women in Culinary Leadership”.  It is basically an accelerated, 8-month culinary program with different restaurants around the country.  I applied.  I was gifted some amazing recommendation letters from people I absolutely respect and admire.  I chose only restaurants within a day’s drive (I have health issues, my family has health issues).  Lo and behold, I was selected for a Skype interview for a restaurant in Chicago.  I passed that, knew by that night I had 10 days to figure out how to get up to Chicago to do a tasting (all of this is SO out of my comfort zone, as the restaurant was/is an ethnic fusion establishment).  I figured it out.  I have not been feeling well, and the whole time my anxiety and nerves were through the roof, but I got it done and got on a train.  I wanted a train so I would have time to think, to plan, to research.

I got into Chicago around 3pm.  I had a rolling bag and a backpack and foolishly (stubbornly) decided I would walk to my hostel.  It was hot, I’ve had terrible back/hip problems, and have GI issues as well (hello, stress!)  Got to the hostel and it was a damned oasis.  It was further than I thought.  I watched the spider remaking its web on the outside of our window for I don’t know how long.  Amazing view though.

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That was one of two photos I took.  Me, the “photographer”.

So, I relaxed.  I showered.  I wrote this:
“This place smells like every place. The hostel, the McKittrick. Sunscreen, Louisville. The cold humidity of the lakefront, New Orleans in Winter. I’m being confronted with my body’s New World Order in relation to how I think of myself, a traveler, always in motion. Now limitation. Things I could once do without a second though, give pause, regret. It makes me sad, but it’s also a relief. Things are just different now, and I can’t force them back the way they were, just adjust and move forward.”

Then I went in search of a Walgreen’s and got exhausted, was in pain.  Ended up getting European-picnic style dinner from Eataly (which was on the next block, and I hate how much I went there).  But, you know, when you’re tired, when you’re confronted with Life Changes, Body Betrayals, you just need a cocktail in your room, arancini, black rice salad, fresh fruit, and dark chocolate.

Fun Fact/Honest Sidenote: C turned into D during this whole trip and I don’t think I can stay in hostels anymore.  It’s not exactly private.

I had one whole day before I had to do my tasting menu (four dishes, two in line with the fusion concept, two of my own).  I set up a time (2pm) with the Sous Chef to come in and look at the kitchen, pantry, walk-in and see what I would need.  I had the morning to try and not freak out, to just relax and think.  So I decided to walk a few blocks to the lakefront and grab a coffee.  I stumbled on a market (Ok, it was a fucking Whole Foods.) and grabbed a sourdough roll, a small wedge of cheese.  I was going to keep the European picnic train rolling.

I got to the lakefront and it was cloudy, colder than expected, and of course, windy.  I was starting to feel exhausted, so I sat on the steps and was just situating myself when I noticed a gentleman walking by and boisterously interacting with everyone.  It’s fine.  I lived in L.A.  I lived in New Orleans.  I can handle a little crazy.  I acknowledged him kindly and he started on his way, then doubled back.  Crap.  He started a conversation, I responded.  I was polite, but reserved.  I tried not to engage, but it didn’t matter.  With some people, it doesn’t matter.  He kept going.  And going.  He was animated, and a few times invaded my personal space.  As a female, you gauge every conversation with a male stranger and I couldn’t figure out the threat level on this one.  I honestly couldn’t.  I sat there, just listening and nodding, trying to figure out if he was full-blown unstable, delusional, or completely with it and just aggressively oblivious, to the point of not caring.

It was becoming clear that I wasn’t going to have some time to myself to think and then that started to piss me off.

But then, then I realized the dynamics of the situation weren’t that simple.  I sat there, a lone white girl, one an only somewhat busy lakefront, with this man, yes, this black man, standing over me being loud and occasionally getting close.  Then I noticed the cop cars.  They drove by, slowly, five or six times pointedly looking in our direction.  As much as I wanted out of that situation, I knew there was nothing I really could do unless things really and truly took a wrong turn.  And then I felt pissed because I was trapped, and I let myself get trapped because I had so much on my mind, so much stress, I didn’t feel like being called a bitch right then just to end it.  I was vulnerable and distant and it pissed me off more that another human being didn’t pick up on that, or simply didn’t care, and disengage.  And I was/am pissed that the reality of our country’s racism threw a wrench in the good ol’ fashioned “this man is borderline harassing me.”  So I sat there and took it.
The fucking levels, man.

I thought my best hope was going to be to simply say I had to be somewhere in a few minutes and got up to start walking.  He kept talking, non-stop, all these stories, grandiose stories, walking alongside me.  I would stop, nod, say I had to go and start walking again, and he ended up walking with me saying he was going in the same direction.  I knew there was a Target a few blocks away, and I was pretty sure he wasn’t going “shopping” with me, so when we got to the corner, I tried to make my exit.  He mentioned again that he was taking me to a movie next week and if I wanted to come eat at his workplace, it would be on him.  I’m not sure why he thought I was a local, but after obligingly putting his email in my phone,  I let him down and finally walked into Target while he watched.

I walked around for awhile, long enough that he should be gone and went back to my hostel, mentally and emotionally fucking exhausted.

I hesitated sharing this, because it involves difficult issues and frankly, I’m scared to say the wrong thing anymore.  But it happened, and it’s as true as I can tell it, and if anything, I suppose it shows the difficulty of modern human engagement.  Just try not to hurt anyone, or get them hurt, I suppose.  I could’ve been more assertive, but the only thing he took was my time and mental energy.  All I could think about was de-escalation and even if it took an hour and a half (no joke), I guess it worked.

Also, dudes, fucking stop it.  Fucking stop dominating women without their consent.  Because that’s what that is.

This is ridiculously long and I’ve not even started day 2.  This is what happens when you don’t write for awhile.  Maybe someone got something out of this….more later

Immigrant Story

2017-01-28-14-42-42This is my Great Great Grandpa Petterson (Peterson) holding my Grandmother on his lap.  He and his future wife came to the United States from Sweden in 1884 and married about a year after their arrival.  They lived in a Swede settlement in Kansas and near/in Beattie, KS for 40 years.  According to my Grandmother, they were “hard working, poor, but respected.  Grandpa was a stone-cutter by trade.”  They went on to have four children, one of which was my Great Grandmother, Ida.  Ida married Jess and they had my Grandmother.  My Grandmother married Gordon Ensley in 1938 and had four boys, one of which is my Father.

I only know all of this because my Grandmother made it a point to write all of this down and give it to all of the grandchildren.  I am lucky.  I know at least some of my history and I cannot forget it because it stares back at me in black and white images and yellowed pages with painstakingly typed text.  And I have tears streaming down my face as I write this because people are being turned away from our country for no reason other than ignorance, fear, and blind hatred.  How quickly we forget when it is not happening to us in the present moment.  How quickly we forget that, unless we are Native American, we are ALL immigrants, the children of immigrants, descendants of immigrants.  The news today is littered with stories of perfectly legal U.S. citizens being turned away, refugees seeking safety being told they cannot come in, of Jews during World War II being sent from our borders only to be murdered by the Nazis.  So maybe, for some, there’s a convenient, privileged disconnect there, some distance that is allowing our leaders and those on the side of inhumanity to keep this from sinking in, but I am asking you, go back through your own lineage, trace your own family path and realize, yes, Virginia, you are the daughter, granddaughter, great granddaughter, of an immigrant.  You might not be here today if not for the once-welcoming lamp beside the golden door.  Lady Liberty is also the Mother of Exiles.

Never forget.  Never let them forget, most of us enjoying the relatively intact freedoms today are here because this country was once open to the possibility of goodness.  Share your story, because most of us have one.

The New Colossus
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

 

All I Have Is My Story

aca-tracking-infographic-for-releaseThe following is a message I sent to my Congressional representatives this evening.  I have little hope that anyone of importance will read it, let alone listen to it:

All I have is my story.  And because I know my situation is not unique, I tell you my story in the hopes that you understand that there are probably hundreds more exactly like it, thousands more worse off, and millions who will be negatively affected if you ignore our needs.

I am a 39 year old single female who, two years ago, returned to the state of my birth, Kansas, to be closer to family, to start a new chapter in my life, and yes, for health reasons as well.  I have a Bachelors degree from Kansas University and have worked since I was 15 years old.  Now, I am attempting to pursue my passion and begin a second career in the culinary arts, but it is proving difficult as of late.  I have multiple chronic conditions, conditions that before the ACA, prevented me from getting my own health insurance.  Of course, the other reason I could not get much needed healthcare, was affordability.  That all changed with the ACA.  Yes, the rollout was messy and complicated and fraught with problems.  But it worked.  It worked for me, and it worked for millions of others.  Not hundreds, millions.  Yes, some people have had their insurance go up, so let’s address that issue.  Let’s get single-payer healthcare for ALL.  Let’s make healthcare a priority for our citizens so they don’t have to go broke with one emergency room visit.  Let’s rein in the insurance companies and make this more fair for all of us, not strip away the lifeline that so many of us have come to tears of gratefulness over.

I get six usable hours a day right now, and I spend them working.  I am trying.  Millions of us are trying, just to get by.  If you take the ACA away without a quantifiably more fair and just plan to back it up, you are sending a clear message to your fellow Americans that you do not care what happens to them, that profits matter more than people.  And after last night’s vote, it’s pretty clear that’s where things stand currently.  You are telling us that you are so out of touch, that you cannot fathom how one ER visit could bankrupt someone, send them down a financial spiral.  You are telling us that you don’t understand how someone would have to choose between paying their rent, buying groceries, or getting their necessary medications.  And if that wasn’t enough, you went ahead and took away the protections that most Americans are in favor of.  Who thought it was a bad idea to eliminate refusal based on pre-existing conditions?  Who thought it was a bad idea to let people stay on their parent’s insurance until they are 26?  At this point, it just seems petty and personal and vindictive.  Are you so wrapped up in political theater that you cannot remember it is the people you are supposed to be serving?  This isn’t a game.

And because one of my conditions is endometriosis and ovarian cysts, let’s talk about Planned Parenthood while were at it.  If you DO repeal the ACA, that’s where I would need to go, for at least some form of care.  Did you know that the treatment for endometriosis is usually birth control?  That’s right!  It’s not just for controlling birth!  Shocking, isn’t it.  I hate taking it, it’s a terrible drug, but it’s that or the pain.  Do you know how much it would cost to get my birth control without insurance and without Planned Parenthood?  It would be around $200.  In the grand scheme of drug pricing, that’s actually not that bad, but I couldn’t afford it.  I’d have to stop taking it and then we’re back to the pain, in addition to the pain I already cope with.  You cannot take away the only lifelines that people are relying on.  You can’t rush headlong to vindictively remove the ACA, without offering a BETTER solution for all, and then take away Planned Parenthood funding at the same time.  Unless you really don’t care.  Unless winning some political game means more to you than the well-being and day-to-day struggles of actual people.

Do you even remotely understand how important Planned Parenthood is, or the myriad of services they provide?  If you’re going to screw millions of people over, the least you can do is leave some small lifeline.  It might be the only thing that could keep me, and thousands of others, from that ER visit, from a debt spiral.

This is not the K blog you’re looking for.

roomfourteen1

St. Mary of The Angels school. Upper Ninth Ward. 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

Or maybe it is.  I don’t know.  I’m feel like I need to apologize for even writing this at all, but we all gotta do what we gotta do, right.  And for some of us, that means writing it out of our systems.  I’ve been trying not to post very much K/Federal Flood updates on social media, to not trigger the PTSD of the people I love, but know that I’m thinking of you today, and (quite literally) every day.  There are some things the rest of the country needs to remember though, things the rest of the country gets wrong, forgets, doesn’t understand.  And that’s where I live now, the Rest of The Country.  I won’t detail the errors, omissions, flat-out lies.  I’m even tired of the coverage.  But like the signs said, “Think that you may be wrong”.   At 16, I never thought I’d live there, then, at 30, I never thought I would leave.  I never did, really, not completely.  I didn’t go through it, I am not claiming that sorrow and that strength.  But New Orleans is my true home and it always will be.  You can’t take that from anyone.

So today I will be trying to feed the ever-hungry monarch caterpillars, driving to Eudora to pick up three baby bunnies, then driving to Operation Wildlife to drop them off and do my rehab duty.  At some point, I will make bread pudding.  At some point, I will stand over the Kaw and pour a little whiskey in.  Y’all let me know when you get it.

Today is also the day I drag this horse outta the barn.  Because it’s helped me before and it’s helped others before and it’s a Damn Fine Poem.

“Local Heroes”

Some days the worst that can happen happens.
The sky falls or evil overwhelms or
the world as we have come to know it turns
toward the eventual apocalypse
long predicted in all the holy books—
the end-times of old grudge and grievances
that bring us each to our oblivions.
Still, maybe this is not the end at all,
nor even the beginning of the end.
Rather, one more in a long list of sorrows
to be added to the ones thus far endured,
through what we have come to call our history—
another in that bitter litany
that we will, if we survive it, have survived.
God help us who must live through this, alive
to the terror and open wounds: the heart
torn, shaken faith, the violent, vengeful soul,
the nerve exposed, the broken body so
mingled with its breaking that it’s lost forever.
Lord send us, in our peril, local heroes.
Someone to listen, someone to watch, someone
to search and wait and keep the careful count
of the dead and missing, the dead and gone
but not forgotten. Some days all that can be done
is to salvage one sadness from the mass
of sadnesses, to bear one body home,
to lay the dead out among their people,
organize the flowers and casseroles,
write the obits, meet the mourners at the door,
drive the dark procession down through town,
toll the bell, dig the hole, tend the pyre.
It’s what we do. The daylong news is dire—
full of true believers and politicos,
bold talk of holy war and photo-ops.
But here, brave men and women pick the pieces up.
They serve the living, caring for the dead.
Here the distant battle is waged in homes.
Like politics, all funerals are local.
–Thomas Lynch
Fall, 2005.